Is it just me or is hope hard? Hope is defined as 'a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.' Despair is the loss of all hope. We may often feel despair in our lives as trials push us around and it is often difficult to even imagine having hope again. When this happens, I invite us all to simply take a break from despair.
As mentioned in a previous post, I have depression. Without any kind of medication or counselling, my low serotonin levels got the better of me. For about a week, I could do nothing but cry. Sleep was a struggle. Getting up was a struggle. Life in general was a struggle. I still went to class but I never got ready and I barely kept myself from bawling during that time. Not a single homework assignment was started (let alone finished) during that week. Whenever I spoke to anyone (regardless of who it was) my eyes brimmed with tears and my chin did that awful crying-twitchy thing.
It felt like everything was a sign of my failure as a friend, student, daughter, and overall human being. I lost all hope in ever becoming a teacher or even graduating college. I lost all hope that I could be a good friend/person. I lost all hope that anyone would ever love me. I lost all hope that I could do anything right. I simply lost all hope.
Throughout the course of this depressed state, many mini miracles occurred. I was blessed with a wonderful roommate who sat with me through it all. I was blessed with a group of fantastic freshmen who never cease to amaze me. There was even an instance when I was sitting in a random part of the apartment complex (because I felt I had nowhere else to go) and I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to just send a friend. A couple minutes later, this random guy sat down with me and asked, "Do you want to talk about it?" I didn't so we ended up talking about a bunch of random stuff instead. His roommate joined us and I made two new friends that night.
Despite these wonderful things, I still felt despair. I'd acknowledge the blessings, follow it up with 'but....,' and then proceed to wallow in self-misery. I wanted to have hope. I wanted to appreciate those blessings more! My mom- being the splendacious human that she is-continually sent me quotes about hope throughout the whole ordeal. I was grateful for them but they didn't seem to help me. (Thanks anyway Mom, you're the best!) I'm not sure at what point it was, but I finally realized that I was too depressed to have hope in that moment.
Don't get me wrong, I believe in Jesus Christ and the power of His Atonement. I believe that God is real and He loves me. I believe these things and have a testimony of them, but that does not mean that I could suddenly have all the hope in the world with the snap of a finger. I decided that first, I needed to take a break from despair. Despair had come to overwhelm me and I needed a break!
I'm not quite ready to have hope in my academic and social life because I'm still scared that it'll be false. I'm not sure I'm ready to dream about my future classroom again or have confidence that one day I will be in a healthy relationship. I'm not ready for that, BUT THAT'S OKAY! I may not be ready to have hope again, but I am certainly ready to stop dwelling on worst case scenarios. I'm ready to stop being negative. I'm ready to take a break from despair. This doesn't mean to forget about our struggles. It means acknowledging them but not embracing the depression. Rather, embracing life. Another blogger that I follow has come up with a motto that says, "Let life hug you!" I feel like this nicely sums up what I'm trying to say.
Embrace the good moments. Try not to let those negative experiences and emotions control every second of your life (even though that sometimes feels impossible!). Try-even if it is just for a minute or two or however long-try taking a break from despair. I'm learning every day that it is the first step towards once again having hope.
What do you do to have hope?
