How to Make and Keep Goals

     It's that time of year again when everyone is contemplating on the past and dreaming for the future. Making goals is a traditional part of the New Year and I think that's a wonderful thing! Unfortunately, many people don't believe that they can keep their New Year's Resolutions for more than a week or two. If you are one of those people, than this is for you! There are a few things that people do that make it extremely difficult to keep those initial goals. I've failed enough times to know what doesn't work. I've also seen enough successes in my life to feel confident in sharing with you four simple steps that can help any person reach their goals.

1) WRITE THEM DOWN!
          If you don't write your goals down, how will you remember them? It's so nice having a physical and visual reminder of the things I'd like to do and become. At the end of December each year, I sit down and think about what I'd like the next year to look like. With a pencil and some paper stapled together, I write down my goals on the front page. (Keep reading to find out what happens with the other pages! ;))

2) MAKE THEM SPECIFIC AND MEASURABLE!
          There are probably many things you would like to do, but having a goal to travel isn't going to do much. Travelling is a great dream, but without a specific goal that can be measured and planned, it will remain just a dream. Last year, I had a goal to drink more water. Staying hydrated is a great thing, but writing down drink more water on a piece of paper wasn't going to make much of a difference in my life. How much more water? For how long? What is the threshold for which I can stop drinking more water? Leaving that goal as it was, there was no way of knowing if I had reached it. It was too broad and too difficult to measure.
          Now if I had kept that same broad idea in mind but tweaked it a bit, my new goal could have been to drink three bottles of water per day.  That is specific to staying hydrated and can easily be kept track of.

3) HAVE A PLAN!
          One of my favorite quotes says, "A goal without a plan is just a wish." I've found this to be true through personal experience! Another goal that I had last year was to read the Book of Mormon in Spanish. This was a great undertaking seeing as how I'm nowhere near fluent in the language. I had started it previously thinking that I would just read it whenever, but I ended up quitting after a day or two. It took many months for me to pick it back up again. This time I had selected a specific date that I wanted to have it done by. I then figured out how many pages I would need to read daily in order to make it happen. I wrote all this information down and then I made it happen!
          Those other pages in my stapled paper packet are for plans. Each goal is rewritten with enough space below to record the HOW to reach each goal. That record of plans made helps immensely in keeping track of where I am and where I want to be.

4) STAY POSITIVE AND ALWAYS START AGAIN!
          Many people go into the New Year with an attitude that their resolutions won't last very long. I would have to agree with those people. You can't expect to succeed at something when you set yourself up for failure. And starting with an 'I can't' attitude is definitely a set up for failure. Believing you can do something is the first step. Being diligent in your goals is super difficult, but you CAN do it! As Rex from Toy Story once said, "You just need to believe in yourself!"
           Always always always start again! This is one of the biggest things that stops people from reaching their goals. Sure, you might fail at your goal on day three, but by starting again on day four you get a fresh beginning! If we were all perfect at our goals, they wouldn't be goals; they'd be habits.  Mistakes happen and consistency isn't always quite as consistent as desired, but that is exactly why we always need to start again!

     I hope this New Year's you have the confidence and gusto to make some goals that you plan to keep. Even more than that, I hope you keep them! I believe in you and hope in all sincerity that these steps will be beneficial to you in your endeavors. Let me know what goals you're making this year down in the comment section.

Happy New Year's and have a blessed week y'all!

Missed Opportunities

     You miss EVERY opportunity that you don't take! Failure is scary and even the thought of failure is scary. One of the biggest things that I've noticed in my life is that the fear of failure is the number one thing that stops me from chasing my dreams and growing into the person that I can one day become. I'm sure this is true for many of you as well. There are many things wrong with this! Fear is unproductive. Fear of failure is rarely legitimate. And fear HOLDS US BACK!

     In high school, I was in a competitive choir that performed dozens of times during the holiday season. We were well known in the community and I was constantly surrounded by numerous people with immense amounts of musical talent. One particular Christmas season, my choir teacher wanted us to sing the song Let it Go from the movie 'Frozen'. The beginning of the song was a solo and she asked all those interested in auditioning to step forward. The girl standing next to me said, "I probably won't get it so I'm not going to embarrass myself in front of the choir." She was scared of trying her best and not being good enough. This fear stopped her from even auditioning.

     As she stood right where she was, about a dozen other girls stepped forward to audition. We sang it as a group and then each sang the solo individually. It all sounded lovely and there was not a single person who auditioned that wouldn't have made an amazing soloist. Despite all the talent, the choir director informed us that everyone who auditioned would be singing it as a featured group. The girl who had decided not to audition ended up throwing a bit of a fit. She claimed that if she had known it would be a group thing, she would have auditioned. She then went on to ask if she could sing in the group anyway. The teacher got the room quiet and said, "You miss every opportunity you don't take."

     This resonated with me because it is so true! This girl's fear was unproductive because she just sat in the back while others put themselves out there. It was not legitimate because she was really a very talented singer. There's an acronym for fear that goes like this:

False
Evidence
Appearing
Real

She truly believed that she wouldn't be good enough to get the solo. This was completely false because she was already good enough to be in the choir. Not only that, but she was a section leader! Even though her fears were not legitimate, she felt that they were real, and that held her back.

     Fear of failure can hold us back in so many ways. This is truly unfortunate because there are a plethora of opportunities in our lives every single day. Opportunities in work, at school, at church. Opportunities to be a better person or to make a change in your home or community. Opportunities to become the person that you have the potential to become. The list is never-ending and I've found that the more opportunities I've taken, the more opportunities seem to pop up right in front of me.

     Fear of failure is hard to get over, but you miss every opportunity you don't take. And my friends, you've never failed until you've stopped trying.

I love you all and have a blessed week! <3

Taking a Break From Despair

     Is it just me or is hope hard? Hope is defined as 'a feeling of expectation and desire for a certain thing to happen.' Despair is the loss of all hope. We may often feel despair in our lives as trials push us around and it is often difficult to even imagine having hope again. When this happens, I invite us all to simply take a break from despair.

     As mentioned in a previous post, I have depression. Without any kind of medication or counselling, my low serotonin levels got the better of me. For about a week, I could do nothing but cry. Sleep was a struggle. Getting up was a struggle. Life in general was a struggle. I still went to class but I never got ready and I barely kept myself from bawling during that time. Not a single homework assignment was started (let alone finished) during that week. Whenever I spoke to anyone (regardless of who it was) my eyes brimmed with tears and my chin did that awful crying-twitchy thing.

     It felt like everything was a sign of my failure as a friend, student, daughter, and overall human being. I lost all hope in ever becoming a teacher or even graduating college. I lost all hope that I could be a good friend/person. I lost all hope that anyone would ever love me. I lost all hope that I could do anything right. I simply lost all hope. 
 
     Throughout the course of this depressed state, many mini miracles occurred. I was blessed with a wonderful roommate who sat with me through it all. I was blessed with a group of fantastic freshmen who never cease to amaze me. There was even an instance when I was sitting in a random part of the apartment complex (because I felt I had nowhere else to go) and I pleaded with my Heavenly Father to just send a friend. A couple minutes later, this random guy sat down with me and asked, "Do you want to talk about it?" I didn't so we ended up talking about a bunch of random stuff instead. His roommate joined us and I made two new friends that night.

     Despite these wonderful things, I still felt despair. I'd acknowledge the blessings, follow it up with 'but....,' and then proceed to wallow in self-misery. I wanted to have hope. I wanted to appreciate those blessings more! My mom- being the splendacious human that she is-continually sent me quotes about hope throughout the whole ordeal. I was grateful for them but they didn't seem to help me. (Thanks anyway Mom, you're the best!) I'm not sure at what point it was, but I finally realized that I was too depressed to have hope in that moment.

     Don't get me wrong, I believe in Jesus Christ and the power of His Atonement. I believe that God is real and He loves me. I believe these things and have a testimony of them, but that does not mean that I could suddenly have all the hope in the world with the snap of a finger. I decided that first, I needed to take a break from despair. Despair had come to overwhelm me and I needed a break!

     I'm not quite ready to have hope in my academic and social life because I'm still scared that it'll be false. I'm not sure I'm ready to dream about my future classroom again or have confidence that one day I will be in a healthy relationship. I'm not ready for that, BUT THAT'S OKAY! I may not be ready to have hope again, but I am certainly ready to stop dwelling on worst case scenarios. I'm ready to stop being negative. I'm ready to take a break from despair. This doesn't mean to forget about our struggles. It means acknowledging them but not embracing the depression. Rather, embracing life. Another blogger that I follow has come up with a motto that says, "Let life hug you!" I feel like this nicely sums up what I'm trying to say.

     Embrace the good moments. Try not to let those negative experiences and emotions control every second of your life (even though that sometimes feels impossible!). Try-even if it is just for a minute or two or however long-try taking a break from despair. I'm learning every day that it is the first step towards once again having hope.

What do you do to have hope?

Comparison Kills Compassion

In grade school, we learn how to compare and contrast certain concepts, but as we grow older we somehow make it a habit of comparing ourselves to everyone else. These past two weeks have really shown me how harmful this kind of behavior can be. When we compare ourselves to others, it is not only difficult to have compassion for those we are comparing ourselves to, but for ourselves as well.

There’s a girl that I used to room with. We were super close friends but we began to grow apart and it was all my fault. For privacy purposes I am going to call her Vicky. Vicky is a beautiful human with many talents and good qualities. She was always going on dates and it seems like she had a new guy that was interested in her every day. The rest of my roommates and I really struggled socially. A big question in our apartment became, “Why her and none of us?” This question etched itself into my mind. I began nitpicking everything I did and compared it to everything that she did. This became super toxic and I no longer wanted to be around her. Whenever I felt alone, I blamed her. Whenever I felt like nobody liked me, I blamed her. Whenever anything bad happened, I could somehow take the emotions that I was feeling and tie them back to her to make it her fault.

This frame of mind made life more difficult for me because of all the negative emotions it brought and it also caused plenty of drama within our group of friends. It was not until earlier this morning that I was able to set my pride aside and recognize that I no longer cared for her because I was too busy comparing myself to her. I also realized that I could change my attitude and try to make it better again. Instead of comparing, I decided to simply recognize. Recognize the good in both of us and treat her the way that all children of God deserve to be treated.  

Comparing myself to her killed all the compassion that I had for her. BUT when I decided to recognize that good in her, I didn’t feel like she was the enemy anymore. She could be my friend again. It sounds lame, but comparing really is a dangerous mental game to play. It’s destructive to the people around us and especially to us personally.

This semester is a big one for me. I'm currently taking my Early Practicum class. That means that I go to an elementary school twice a week and work with a teacher in their classroom. It's been an exciting experience thus far and I am ecstatic to continue learning. Despite how incredible this opportunity is, it is extremely stressful. If I don't pass this class, I will not be able to continue in my major. YIKES! There's another girl from my class who was assigned to the same teacher as me. I was very excited at first because I thought it would be nice to have some support from another struggling college student. Boy, was I wrong... She is a college student, but she does not seem to be struggling. I’m going to call her Hope. Hope is a very sweet girl. She grew up in a family of teachers and has been working in her father's classroom since she was very young. She understands the ins and outs of an elementary school and how it runs. She knows how to work in a classroom effectively so that the students can get the most out of every lesson.

Hope is also happily married. Her sentences always begin as, "My husband..." or "In my dad's classroom..." Just last week, I asked her how old she is. When she said 19, my heart sank. All I could think of was how this girl, younger than me, is happily married when I can't even seem to make friends let alone get a date? How is she so confident in front of 23 kids when I can hardly introduce myself without messing up? It didn’t even like kids until a few years ago! Every moment with her has been excruciating. Not because she has done anything wrong, but because I can't help but feel inadequate around her. She's so much better at life then me. I’ll never be a good enough teacher.

 At least that's what I was telling myself until my roommate said, "Hannah, just because she was dealt different cards than you, does not mean that you won’t be a good teacher. You’re strong because you’re choosing something that’s unfamiliar to you!”  I had not idea how badly I needed to hear that. Because I was comparing our backgrounds, confidence, and abilities, I was unable to see my potential. I had absolutely no compassion for myself as I kept telling myself that I would never make it as an educator. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Instead of focusing on what Hope can do better than me, I need to start focusing on what I’m learning and how I am personally improving. This is NOT easy. I’m still probably going to doubt myself. I’ll more than likely still feel anxious going in to teach. But we are here to progress toward perfection, not be perfect. Baby steps are big enough steps for me.

Writing this blog today has felt a bit hypocritical because I still compare myself to others in a number of circumstances. It’s hard not too! Writing this has also solidified what I have learned and helped me realize that comparison really is toxic and it really does kill compassion. We are all children of God and we all deserve to be treated as such. We all have great potential, but we are blinded from it when we try to ‘measure up’ to others and ideals. Accept yourself. Accept your progress. Because YOU ARE ENOUGH!

Living and Learning

     Just over a month ago, I entered into my 20th year of life! And golly gee, I sure have learned a lot in that time. I want to share with you 20 of the most valuable lessons I have learned. (These are in no particular order).

In order to take care of others, it's important to take care of oneself.

     I've been reading this book about understanding and loving others with PTSD. In it, there are sections regarding personal care. It's very important to understand our boundaries and how much we can handle when helping others. If we need a mental health day, then take one! When I'm feeling anxious or depressed, I'm not much help to anyone. My best efforts in helping others occur when I am helping myself too. Take care of yourself! It's not selfish. It's healthy!

GOD IS REAL and so is His love!

     Alma 30:44 "But Alma said unto him: Thou has had signs enough; will ye tempt your God? Will ye say, Show unto me a sign, when ye have the testimony of all these thy brethren, and also all the holy prophets? The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and all things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator." (emphasis added) Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ have given us EVERYTHING!

It's okay to not be okay.

     When I was a senior in High School, I found out that I had depression. So many people had this image of me in their minds that I was always happy and so I tried to maintain that image. Happiness was still a pretty current state for me, but I would beat myself up if people knew I ever struggled emotionally. (Ridiculous, right?!) I even had a friend in college that said, "Hannah, you're not allowed to be sad! You're too positive!" Uhmm... yes. I am allowed to be sad. Everyone is. That's when I realized that it's impossible to be 100% happy 100% percent of the time. It's okay to acknowledge that we all have bad days. We all have tough moments. And it's okay to not be okay.

Dreaming big is completely acceptable.

     If there is something you want to accomplish, you CAN do it! Just inquire, plan, prep, and then work work work work work work. Turn your dreams into goals, and then go achieve!! This has worked for me in the past as some of my dreams (that I never thought would be possible) have come true!

It's never too late to start again.

     Being a stubborn little nugget, I wanted to beat the New Year's Resolution Flop that I heard about on TV. I thought it was so silly that no one made and kept New Year's Resolutions and I wanted to prove to myself that it could be done, so I became kind of obsessed with setting goals. The way I am able to achieve my goals is by constantly starting again. Messing up is part of the process. Sometimes I miss a day. Sometimes I don't do as well as I wish I had. When this happens, I want to give up. BUT THAT IS JUST SO WRONG! It's NEVER too late to start again. Keep going! Keep trying! You got this! You have not failed until you have quit trying.

Sometimes we need to sacrifice what we want for something that we want more.

     This has been very applicable in my life on various different accounts regarding education, work, and socializing. But this has gained greater meaning as I've thought of it in relation to Jesus Christ's Atonement. He suffered, bled, and died for us that we might be able to return to live with our Father in Heaven. The pain and suffering that He went through was so great that He pleaded with His Father, asking to let it pass from Him if there was any other way. He wanted the pain to go away, but He wanted to save us even more. He wanted to fulfill His purpose and God's will in 'bringing to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.' Jesus Christ sacrificed what He wanted for what He wanted more... and that was us. <3

Use it up. Wear it out. Make do or do without.

     There are times when I think, "Wow, I really need a new...(fill in the blank)." Then I remember that I'm not entitled to a new anything. If it fulfills it's purpose, then I should be perfectly content with it. I've learned to just be grateful for what I have even if it's not the newest, shiniest, or in the best condition.. (I'm not always great at this but nobody is perfect, right)? 

By Small and Simple Things are Great things Brought to Pass.

     One of my favorite quotes is, "Your speed does not matter. Forward is forward!" Baby steps in the right direction are still getting us to where we're going. This is also applicable in being kind to others. It does not take much to lift up others and brighten someone's day. 

Enjoying Life's Little Blessings is Muy Importante.

     There are some things in life that are meant to be enjoyed. Some of my favorites are bouncy balls, clouds, balloons, videos of baby elephants splashing around in water, sloth cakes, and those few moments when I understand what someone is saying in Spanish. These things don't bring long-term joy, but they certainly make day-to-day life a bit more exciting. What are some little blessings that you enjoy? (I'd love to hear your answers in the comments)!

You Are NOT Your Problems.

     Just because I have depression does not mean that I have to be a depressed person. I think sometimes people with mental and physical health problems begin to identify themselves as their problem. It may be a part of who you are, but it is not who you are. Who you are and who you become is ultimately up to you! 

Learning is RIGHTEOUS!

     HECK YES IT IS! It's not always easy, but it is always worth it. It's not always fun, but it definitely can be. Fun Fact: The Sun and Earth are closest to each other on January 3rd. So why is it so cold during that time do you ask? Because the seasons have nothing to do with Earth's revolutions around the sun and everything to do with the tilt of the Earth. See? Wasn't that fun? (DM me if you want to know more ;))!

Family is Kind of the Best Thing EVER!

     Being at school in Idaho has given me the opportunity to spend more time with my extended family. It has been totally tubular! The love that I have in my heart for my family is unbelievable and I'm so grateful that I get to be with them forever. With family is a very special place to be.

Progress Occurs Outside of the Comfort Zone.

     As much as I love reading, real learning occurs through experience. I've grown more as a person in the moments when I wasn't entirely sure what to do or didn't feel quite comfortable. Vulnerability is a good thing! It's hard. It stinks sometimes. It can be frustrating to the ends of the earth, but growth and progress really do occur outside of the comfort zone.

Jamming out to Hannah Montana is Nothing to be Ashamed of.

     To have The Best of Both Worlds it's important to be a True Friend and to recognize that Nobody's Perfect. When someone made fun of my roommate for listening to Disney Channel music, I wanted to Start All Over and have a Hoedown Throwdown right then and there!

It is Impossible to be Happy Without Gratitude!

     Having an attitude of gratitude has opened my eyes to so many of the blessings and miracles that occur daily in my life. One day, I was grateful for the smell of the soap that I used to mop the floor. Which in turn helped me be grateful that I was able to mop the floor and get paid to do it! Which reminded me of why I was working and allowed me to feel grateful to have something to work for. (School). Etc. Etc. I've never been happy without also being filled with gratitude.

People are Important.

     Everyone is a child of God! Everyone has a purpose. Everyone matters. So let's all treat each other like it. (Again, I'm not always great at this, but I'm trying)!

You Are Capable of More Than You Know.

     Don't you ever give up, because you honestly have more potential that you could ever realize. I have to constantly remind myself of this. Whenever I am pushed past what I feel are my limits, I find that my limits are far beyond what I expected. Yours are too! Don't sell yourself short!!

Prayers ARE Heard and Answered.

     When I was younger, I wanted to become an Olympic Gymnast. I trained and trained and there came a point when I needed to make a decision. If I were to continue in gymnastics, I would need to give up all the other sports and music activities that I was in. I would have to commit to trips that would keep me from going to church. As a young child, I didn't know what to do but I knew Heavenly Father would help me decide. I said a prayer and felt the answer was to quit gymnastics completely. Thank goodness I did! I've found myself involved in other activities that I have developed more passion for than I had had for gymnastics (which I totally did not think was possible). I'm grateful for where and who I am today and I know that it would be completely different had I not counseled with God. He is real and he listens to and answers all of our prayers. Even if it's not in the time or way that we want/expect.

Never Stop Dancing!

     Life is too short to be embarrassed about enjoying a dance in the rain. If you've ever been shopping with me, you know that I boogie down in the store. Whenever it rains, be prepared to promenade to the parking lot with me for a hooting sock hop. If the music is playing, I'm a-twisting!

Baby Elephants are the Cutest! 

     My most recently added bucket list item is to hug a baby elephant. Don't worry y'all, it'll happen someday.

What's a valuable lesson that you have learned in your life? Let me know down in the comments section! :) Have a blessed week y'all!

Being a Friend

     What is the difference between being friends WITH everyone and being a friend TO everyone? This question has been on my mind for the past week, and I want to share with you what I have discovered.
 
     Last semester, I really struggled with making friends. For the first time in my life, I felt shy in a way. I didn't think anyone would want to be my friend and so I was scared to reach out to others. At the beginning of April, I had one particular friend who confided in me. We were quite close and I even told him about the struggles I was having socially. He completely understood what I was saying! We were able to talk about friendship and how it's nice to have people you can rely on. I left that conversation happy knowing that I had such a good friend in him. Unfortunately, that was the last real conversation that we had. I'd invite him to hang out and he would never respond. I'd see him around and he would avoid eye contact. HOW RUDE?! That's what I would scream in my head whenever I saw him.

    That little anecdote is practically the epitome of how I felt my social life was going. Friends not acting like friends. Or losing contact with people who I thought cared about me as much as I cared for them. The whole semester was spent thinking about how people were treating ME. How nobody wanted to be friends with ME. What was wrong with ME? I'll tell you what was wrong with me... I was too focused on myself. I wanted to be friends with all these different people. I wanted people to care about me and like me. But all that time that was spent worrying about myself was time wasted. Just because I wasn't friends WITH everyone, doesn't mean that I couldn't have been a friend TO everyone.

     Being kind to someone takes very little effort. Letting someone know that you are there for them takes very little effort. You don't have to agree with someone's political, religious, or philosophical views in order to appreciate them as a person. You don't need to share the same interests or listen to the same music in order to care about or treat someone with respect and love. A person doesn't even have to like you for you to be a friend to them. We each have the ability to reach out and be a friend to all those with whom we interact. We each have the power to have a positive impact on those that surround us. So what is stopping us?

     My insecurities were stopping me, but then I stopped and realized that it shouldn't have been about me. Friendship is not about what other people can do for us; it's about what we can do for other people. Whenever you feel unwanted or unneeded, STOP IT! You are wanted and YOU ARE NEEDED, because your friendship could make a huge difference. This is something that I am really striving to work on because I am by no means great at it. Despite my lack of perfection in this area, I feel comfortable in saying that I am happier when applying this concept. Some questions that I've found helpful are:

1) Who can I be a friend to?

2) How can I be a friend to them?

3) Who haven't I been a friend to?

4) Why haven't I been a friend to them?

5) What can I do to start treating them like a friend?

     If you find yourself in a social rut like I was, try changing your perspective. It has made all the difference in my life, and I couldn't be more grateful.

Kindness is TOTALLY Cool!

     One week ago, I was on the way to a friend's wedding reception when my car broke down on the freeway in Utah. If you've ever driven in Utah, you know that traffic is insane! Cars around me were going 80 mph and my car was just sitting there; the gas pedal not working. After putting the hazard lights on, I eased my way to the side of the road.

KINDNESS #1: The people in the cars around me slowed down enough for me to safely make it off the freeway. 

     I called my dad so that he could tell me what to do. Sitting idly by for a few minutes must have done something to help my car because when I tried driving again, the gas pedal worked (sort of). Getting to the nearest gas station was quite the task, but I somehow made it! At this point, I had no idea where I was. I went inside to ask the cashier. A man came up to me and made a joke by saying, "In a gas station!" (Hardy-har)! Needless to say, I was not in the mood. I made some short response and turned back to the cashier. When I found out where I was, I stepped outside to call my dad again. Emotions were slightly high because my dad was concerned about my safety and I felt like he didn't understand what exactly was happening. 

KINDNESS #2: The same man who cracked the joke came outside and asked if everything was alright. Just as I began raising my voice to my dad, this man asked if there was anything that he could do to help me. He did this despite the short response I had given him inside. That kindness helped to calm my nerves and I was able to speak and think more rationally. 

     We knew that I needed to find a place to stay, so I found the hotel closest to where I was at. I stayed the night and the next day my dad came. Luckily, he was in Utah for a Youth Conference with the youth from our church. He was able to help me get the car to the dealership and then drop me off near my friend's wedding reception before having to head back to be with the youth.

      At this point, I was sitting in Provo by myself with nothing but a book, my phone, and some chap-stick. There's this cute little outside mall area that has some shops and eateries. I found an adorable antique bookshop in that area and asked the employees if I could just hang out for a while.

KINDNESS #3: The employees at this bookshop were SO nice! They let me sit in there and read for a few hours so that I wouldn't have to sit in the 100 degree weather. 

     After reading for a while, I noticed that my phone was at a dangerously low battery charge. This was an issue because I had no idea where I would be staying that night and how I would get there. I needed my phone so that I wasn't so completely stranded. I asked if there was anywhere near that I could walk to so that I could buy a phone charger. 

KINDNESS #4: The employees offered to let me borrow their phone chargers. When it was the wrong type of charger, one of them offered to drive me to the nearest place that I could purchase my own. It was over a mile away and she didn't want me walking all that way in the heat. 

     While at the gas station I was able to purchase not only a charger, but a toothbrush and some toothpaste as well. One less stress, YAY! She took me back to the bookstore and I hung out there for another while until my friend's reception started. 

KINDNESS #5: By this time, I had many family members reach out to me and offer their homes. I was able to figure it out with one of my aunts that I would stay at her house and my friend would drive me from the reception. 

     The reception began and the friend who was supposed to give me a ride left. She left a few minutes after arriving and instead of giving me time to stress out, another friend immediately offered a ride. 

KINDNESS #6: This was a HUGE blessing and a sacrifice for him and his fiance. They were supposed to drive back to Idaho that night so that they could move all their stuff into their new apartment the next day. Driving me to another city in Utah at that late hour was probably the last thing they wanted to do. But they did it anyway! 

     I was able to make it to my aunt's house and get some much needed rest.

KINDNESS #7: At 8 o'clock the next morning, my aunt drove me to yet another city in Utah so that I could pick up my car. 

     With a fixed car, and a birthday date with my family to look forward to, I hit the road and was able to make it home safely. 

     These examples of kindness that I have shared are but a few of the acts of love and kindness that I felt and witnessed during that crazy experience. I didn't even mention the girl who was cracking jokes at the burger place I went to, or the lady who took the time to give me a tour of her antique shop because I had nothing else to do. There were also the countless people who simply smiled at me in passing. These people and the effort that they put into being kind is what made a potentially maddening moment a meaningful memory instead. 

     Last weekend could have been stressful, frustrating, and annoying as heck; but instead, it was a pleasant weekend full of wonderful people. I had the opportunity to meet some incredible humans and was also reminded of the impact that a small act of kindness can have. You never know what someone is going through and it NEVER hurts to be kind. If you have a kind thought about someone, share it. If you have a mouth, smile. It really doesn't take all that much effort. I will certainly work to be better at this because... kindness is TOTALLY cool! 

Staying True

    Our experiences in life do not shape us. How we choose to act and react to our experiences... now that is what really molds us into who we are. We mold ourselves. What we experience certainly has a large impact, but our choices are what ultimately define us.

     As a kid and all the way through high school, I was a confident and fun-loving person. Those traits followed me to college until recently. I didn't lose my confidence all at once and my fun-loving nature didn't perform an instantaneous disappearing act either. It wasn't until I started asking questions like: 'why does no one like me?' 'why does no one want to be my friend?' 'why do those people hate me for no reason?' that I suddenly realized that I had slowly become a completely different person. I'm sure this will come as a shock to you, but I didn't like who I had become. It's not fun to feel insecure. Feeling alone and unwanted is definitely not the type of party I was hoping college would be. BUT, it was my party and I'd cry if I wanted to. In fact, I did. A lot.

During one of my emotional meltdowns this past semester, I started blaming all of the things I been through for the insecurities that I had. This felt completely justified in the moment.

 My first semester of college was when I had my first boyfriend. Things had been going great! ...At least that's what my heart was telling me. I was so happy that someone wanted to be with me that I completely ignored his comments about how unattractive I was when I didn't go to the gym everyday... or How unattractive I was when I wore make-up. His constant comments and critiques towards me hurt, but never really hit until after we broke up. Reflecting on my first real relationship, my brain began to realize that it had been a verbally abusive one. My heart and my brain were now on the same page. Though relieved to get away from someone so toxic, it was difficult to not feel inadequate.

 A time later, I thought I had found someone better; someone who genuinely cared about me. We dated and when things began to get serious, I prayed to know what to do. The answer came that I needed to break up with him because our standards weren't aligned. That felt reasonable to me and so we talked and broke up. We still cared for each other and decided to remain friends. It was later that week that I learned of the online podcast that him and his buddy posted weekly. For one whole hour, he ripped me apart. He made fun of my beliefs (which he supposedly shared), my desire to obey religious leaders, the reason I broke up with him, and the fact that I cried when we ended things. Listening to his podcast cut me so deeply, but I just couldn't stop listening. There was something inside of me that needed to know what else he had said about me. Going back to the podcast that was posted right after we started dating, I listened to every last one of them. Almost every. single. one. contained content regarding my lack of perfection. He made a mockery of the things I dream of doing, my future career, my standards, and to top it all off, he made fun of his own religion. One that I thought we shared.

After telling him that we were no longer friends and sobbing uncontrollably for a week, I got over it. (Or so I thought). There have been other instances (not quite as severe) when a person has seemed to care for me and then dumped me to the side when a better offer came along. The latest being someone who I found out had been dating three other girls at the same time as me. With each rejection and betrayal, I felt a piece of me vanish. A vote of confidence in myself. A willingness to smile and say hi to strangers passing by. A general love for people. I didn't realize it until I felt like I truly had no one who cared about me, but I had become the reason that I felt so alone.

The weight of what I felt to be exclusion, duplicity, and rejection was one that I have been carrying around for far too long. I blamed my experiences for making me an anxious person; one who is frightened to interact in social situations, one who refuses to meet new people of her own accord, and one who does not believe that anyone could ever truly care for or love her. That is the person I became, but not because of what I went through. That is who I became because of what I let myself believe. My experiences did not MAKE me think or feel anything. I LET my experiences deceive me.

Each day with each new choice, I am gaining my confidence back. Not because I have people fawning over me telling me how incredible I am, but because I am choosing to remember that I am a child of God and I have incredible worth and potential. Each day in each new scenario, I am choosing to be more fun-loving. I never got answers to my 'why' questions, but I don't need them. Answers to unfounded questions are completely unnecessary. Staying true to yourself is not easy. And sometimes the battle between what your brain knows and what you feel inside is the most difficult part, but if I've learned anything... it's that the battle can be won. You can become whoever you want to be despite your circumstances. As my good 'ole pal President Thomas S. Monson once said, "Decisions determine destiny." What will your destiny be?