Sunday, September 30, 2018

Comparison Kills Compassion


In grade school, we learn how to compare and contrast certain concepts, but as we grow older we somehow make it a habit of comparing ourselves to everyone else. These past two weeks have really shown me how harmful this kind of behavior can be. When we compare ourselves to others, it is not only difficult to have compassion for those we are comparing ourselves to, but for ourselves as well.

There’s a girl that I used to room with. We were super close friends but we began to grow apart and it was all my fault. For privacy purposes I am going to call her Vicky. Vicky is a beautiful human with many talents and good qualities. She was always going on dates and it seems like she had a new guy that was interested in her every day. The rest of my roommates and I really struggled socially. A big question in our apartment became, “Why her and none of us?” This question etched itself into my mind. I began nitpicking everything I did and compared it to everything that she did. This became super toxic and I no longer wanted to be around her. Whenever I felt alone, I blamed her. Whenever I felt like nobody liked me, I blamed her. Whenever anything bad happened, I could somehow take the emotions that I was feeling and tie them back to her to make it her fault.

This frame of mind made life more difficult for me because of all the negative emotions it brought and it also caused plenty of drama within our group of friends. It was not until earlier this morning that I was able to set my pride aside and recognize that I no longer cared for her because I was too busy comparing myself to her. I also realized that I could change my attitude and try to make it better again. Instead of comparing, I decided to simply recognize. Recognize the good in both of us and treat her the way that all children of God deserve to be treated.  

Comparing myself to her killed all the compassion that I had for her. BUT when I decided to recognize that good in her, I didn’t feel like she was the enemy anymore. She could be my friend again. It sounds lame, but comparing really is a dangerous mental game to play. It’s destructive to the people around us and especially to us personally.

This semester is a big one for me. I'm currently taking my Early Practicum class. That means that I go to an elementary school twice a week and work with a teacher in their classroom. It's been an exciting experience thus far and I am ecstatic to continue learning. Despite how incredible this opportunity is, it is extremely stressful. If I don't pass this class, I will not be able to continue in my major. YIKES! There's another girl from my class who was assigned to the same teacher as me. I was very excited at first because I thought it would be nice to have some support from another struggling college student. Boy, was I wrong... She is a college student, but she does not seem to be struggling. I’m going to call her Hope. Hope is a very sweet girl. She grew up in a family of teachers and has been working in her father's classroom since she was very young. She understands the ins and outs of an elementary school and how it runs. She knows how to work in a classroom effectively so that the students can get the most out of every lesson.

Hope is also happily married. Her sentences always begin as, "My husband..." or "In my dad's classroom..." Just last week, I asked her how old she is. When she said 19, my heart sank. All I could think of was how this girl, younger than me, is happily married when I can't even seem to make friends let alone get a date? How is she so confident in front of 23 kids when I can hardly introduce myself without messing up? It didn’t even like kids until a few years ago! Every moment with her has been excruciating. Not because she has done anything wrong, but because I can't help but feel inadequate around her. She's so much better at life then me. I’ll never be a good enough teacher.

 At least that's what I was telling myself until my roommate said, "Hannah, just because she was dealt different cards than you, does not mean that you won’t be a good teacher. You’re strong because you’re choosing something that’s unfamiliar to you!”  I had not idea how badly I needed to hear that. Because I was comparing our backgrounds, confidence, and abilities, I was unable to see my potential. I had absolutely no compassion for myself as I kept telling myself that I would never make it as an educator. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Instead of focusing on what Hope can do better than me, I need to start focusing on what I’m learning and how I am personally improving. This is NOT easy. I’m still probably going to doubt myself. I’ll more than likely still feel anxious going in to teach. But we are here to progress toward perfection, not be perfect. Baby steps are big enough steps for me.

Writing this blog today has felt a bit hypocritical because I still compare myself to others in a number of circumstances. It’s hard not too! Writing this has also solidified what I have learned and helped me realize that comparison really is toxic and it really does kill compassion. We are all children of God and we all deserve to be treated as such. We all have great potential, but we are blinded from it when we try to ‘measure up’ to others and ideals. Accept yourself. Accept your progress. Because YOU ARE ENOUGH!

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